by Jade Jones

Roger Ebert passed away today and besides being a Pulitzer Prize-winning film critic, he had a pithy thing or two to say about politics. One of his most famous quotes was, “I believe empathy is the most essential quality of civilization.” He couldn’t have been more accurate and it seems as though this is a virtue we need more than ever.

When we boil down all of the proposed legislation and talking points of the Right and Left, they can easily be divided between the unempathetic and the empathetic. Gone are the days of the Right-wing fiscal conservative who was hands-off on social issues.

Now, if you are a Republican, your empathy chip has been removed. You are anti-welfare, anti-abortion, anti-gun laws, anti-gay, and anti-women. Essentially, you hate, hate, hate anyone who is different from you. It’s all about your rights and you fail to see how we are all connected, how we all need to take care of one another. I remember a time when I could have stimulating discussions with my Republicans friends. All those friends have either ceased voting or turned Democrat.

The GOP has morphed into the party of hate. To be a Republican no longer means that you just have different views, it is a flaw in your character as a human being.

• Don’t give money to the poor for food.
• Don’t restrict my gun ownership even if it would save lives.
• Don’t let those people get married because their sexual habits are different than mine.
• Don’t let women have equal pay.

They keep moving backwards in time. The GOP is now the party of the redneck bastard. Let’s stop pretending they are a legitimate adversary. Let’s start calling them out for what they are: selfish. And let’s stand up for empathy. Let’s say yes, we want to keep welfare because we want to help people who need help. The Left hides behind rhetoric and never seems to come out and say, we want this legislation because it’s morally the right thing to do and we care about our fellow man. Liberals are loathed to speak to morality because the GOP has corrupted the meaning.

Maybe we need to start championing Jesus like the Right does. Maybe that will get them to listen. Jesus was liberal with his generosity and believed in helping. He believed in helping everyone; the poor, the sick, yes, and even the morally flawed. Why is it that the GOP doesn’t recognize Christ’s teaching in their daily lives? Maybe the reason is that Jesus wasn’t in it for himself, and looking out for number one is the mantra of the Republican Party for the last thirty years.

Let’s stop keeping our empathy closeted and tout it as the virtue that it is. And let’s tell those who won’t help others that they are failing as human beings. Let’s ask them what would Jesus do? Let’s ask them why they are so angry and selfish? Roger Ebert died today, but let’s hope that our empathy for each other rebounds soon.

Jade Jones is a miscreant and no-good scoundrel living in the fine city of Los Angeles, California.

by Jade Jones

In the dark, dank sea of meaningless that is Facebook, there is an evil spreading. An evil spreading like red algae in the Gulf of Mexico and like that algae, has the power to paralyze the nervous system of those it touches. It is what I call “soul porn”: trite philosophy memes that give you stereo instructions on how to live your life.

It belies itself on peaceful backgrounds of flowers and little girls with balloons or cats on blankets but the words contained in these pictures are insidious. They are well-meaning poison. Take for instance, the familiar meme of the elderly couple hugging and laughing. The words on this meme say “When asked how we stayed together for 65 years the woman replied, ‘we were born in a time where if something was broke, you fixed it.’ Hmm. Well, I call bullshit. Yes, in relationships you should overcome small issues, but not every partnership is fixable. What if the smiling, laughing geezer in this photo was beating his smiling, laughing wife at night? What if she was putting her cigarettes out on the kids? Most of us just take these memes with a grain of salt, but I contend that they are bad for us to ingest.

We already have statistical evidence that watching too many romantic comedies or too much porn is bad for your mind. They both create false, unrealistically high expectations of others that make you unhappy when forced to deal with real people in the real world. And it doesn’t matter how much you say you won’t let it affect you, because it goes into the subconscious where you can’t touch it. I think people post this crap because they want a utopia, but it does us no good as a society to swim in this stuff and currently Facebook is awash with it.

So, I ask that those of you who are actually reading this (all three of you) to refrain from passing this hackneyed malarkey along. The world isn’t black and white. It has a trillion shades of grey. Think about what it is that you’re posting. If having a happy life were as simple as following a phrase on a poster, we’d all be doing it.

Jade Jones is a miscreant and no-good scoundrel living in the fine city of Los Angeles, California.

by Jack Straw

In a surprise decision, Vice-President Joe Biden was elected to be the 266th Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Speaking on terms of anonymity, a Cardinal who attended the Papal Conclave said, “Well, even though Joe’s selection came on the first vote, there was some dissension with the choice. However, we are all really old and we didn’t want to spend days and days narrowing down all the candidates from Europe.” When asked if Biden’s stance on social issues like abortion or the fact that he isn’t a priest and is married caused concern, the Cardinal shrugged. “You know, no one is perfect. Joe seems like a lot of fun and as far as the sex thing goes, at least he has sex with women… adult women.”

Biden was ecstatic. “I tell ya, man, this is a real shock. I did send in a resume but mainly as a joke. It was late in the day, like 10:00am, and I’d had a few drinks with Boehner. He made a joke about Catholics and I just got out my BlackBerry and sent my resume to Rome. It wasn’t even updated! I’m blown away,” Biden said from a Washington DC tavern. “I tell ya what,” Biden continued, “This is a big fuckin’ deal.” From across the bar a young man in a Georgetown sweatshirt yelled, “You go, Joe! Best pope since Christ!” Taking the moment in stride, Biden shouted back, “Bet your ass, junior! Party at the Naval Observatory! That’s where I live! There’ll be some white smoke pouring from that place tonight, I guarantee you that!”

The White House issued a brief statement congratulating Biden on his selection. “The President is very happy for the Vice-President, but wishes he would stop drunk texting the Oval Office asking ‘Who’s your daddy?’”

When an AP reporter asked Biden about his plans for the papacy, he answered, “First thing is…I’m ditching the hat. I mean, it looks like a KKK hood and that’s not cool with Big Joe B. Let me show you the new papal hat.” Biden then pulled a Baltimore Ravens baseball cap from his pocket. “This is it, baby! Go Ravens! Here’s to Ray Lewis, the patron saint of Baltimore!”

Biden became somber for a moment. Putting his arms around reporters he said, “Look guys, I’ll be real honest with you. I wanted to be president. I really did. You get a lot of perks. Box seats at the World Series, VIP passes for Comic-Con, Air Force One, the limo, all that. But hey, who needs the presidential limo? I’ve got the Pope-mobile! I’m gonna be riding around in a six inch thick Plexiglas box! Like a mint condition Gandalf the White action figure! Eat it Hillary! Best yet, that whiny bitch Paul Ryan is gonna have to call me Your Holiness!” Turning to the bar crowd, Biden shouted, “Hey everyone, the next round is on Pope Action-Man the First!”

Jack Straw is a writer living in Wichita, Kansas.

by Jack Straw

Hillary Clinton stands like a colossus straddling the shores of the 2016 Presidential election. All possible Democratic and Republican candidates are frozen until she says whether or not she’ll run for office. Sure, Joe Biden is doing his best to line up donors (he’s even sporting retro eyeglasses like Hillary). However, none of the money players will belly up to the bar until they know if Hillary is in or out. If she is in, the only drinks they will be buying are for Mrs. Clinton. As a candidate, Hillary makes sense. She would be the most qualified candidate for the Oval Office since George H. W. Bush. She’s had a wealth of domestic policy experience and now, as Secretary of State, she has the foreign policy qualifications. Not to mention, she’s been a household name for more than two decades. Hillary is qualified, popular, and can have the White House if she wants it. This would be incredibly healing for the U.S. Beyond being the first female president, Hillary would redeem the Baby Boomer Generation from the scarred Presidential legacy they have left thus far.

The Baby Boomers took power and outstayed their welcome in just two administrations and they are now in danger of being passed over in sixteen short years. The World War II generation held the White House from 1960 until 1992, a good run by any measure. President Obama, born in 1962, is actually a member of Generation X. In between these periods, we voted in only two Baby Boomers.  Bill Clinton and George W. Bush represented the recklessness and lack of accountability that their generation is infamous for. Bill Clinton’s presidency, while doing a great many good things also brought us indecent exposure, a broken social contract, and feckless bank deregulation. George W. Bush brought us countless points of shame. From swindling us into a needless war to the never-ending stream of idiocies that would emerge from his lips, he may go on record as the worst President ever.

Hillary could be the savior of her generation. Hillary could be something that Bush and her husband couldn’t be even if they were combined; smart and disciplined. The Baby Boomers changed the world but haven’t proved they can lead it. Barack Obama’s ascendance to the Oval Office was a direct rebuke of the both George W. Bush and Bill Clinton. In 2008, Hillary looked like the standard bearer of the old guard and voters wanted something new. But after eight years of a Generation X President, the public may want to give the Boomers another chance. Hillary didn’t grow up privileged like Bush. Hillary wasn’t from the poor South like her husband. She was a teen for Goldwater and a twenty-something for McGovern. Hillary Clinton might be that middle ground the Baby Boomers could never really find. She might be her generation’s last hope for redemption.

Jack Straw is a writer living in Wichita, Kansas.

by Jade Jones

The advent of the 24 hour news cycle has brought about the Warring Talking Head Affliction. Every news channel portrays two sides to each political argument.  Networks search to find pundits with polar opposite sides of an argument.  Many times, these folks are extremist lunatics but when provided the glossy platform of  a “news” channel, they are given an undeserved aura of validity.   This is detrimental to our political process and is pushing our civic discourse into a new dark age.  There aren’t two valid sides to every argument but when it is presented as such, many in the populace think it’s okay to side with crazy. In the last few years, we’ve seen a major rise in sexist and racist sentiment and legislation in this country. We were supposedly moving beyond that. Our country has a moral progress and this supposed validity of both arguments has led to people thinking it’s okay to be racist and it’s okay to be sexist.

Many people choose to read their news instead of watching it on TV, but the attitude of two-sidedness bleeds over into other forms of media. Even if the educated aren’t watching as much, there are millions who are tuned in. Millions who comment on message boards, “like” stories on news websites, and get in arguments on Facebook. The news websites are businesses just like any other and will post what people get excited about to generate revenue. The more extreme the position take by an author, the more the message boards start lighting up and people tear each other to pieces.

Warring Talking Head Affliction is intimately entwined with the mean-spiritedness on the web in general. We all complain how nasty people are to one another on the web. This is in part due to the anonymity of online discussions but also because our news system has replaced civil discourse with open warfare.  If you are used to seeing shouting matches, it becomes second nature to create one of your own.  Hostility is now the expected manner of political discussion.

A couple of things need to happen to combat this affliction. People need to stop watching the major news networks. Let that dinosaur die. We also need to stop validating things we know are wrong and extremist. On the left, we tend to take the high road, which is good, but we shouldn’t be afraid to label something as racist or sexist if that is the case. We need to stop getting caught up in semantics and cut down to the base of the issue. We need to call the nut jobs out for being just plain nutty and not continue to argue with them. What’s the quote from Mark Twain? “Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”

by JCMach1

As it appears that I will be hanging out in Kenya during the elections, I have decided to begin a series of posts with my thoughts on and ideas about what is going on during this year’s Presidential elections.

One thing I have discovered recently is just how long-running the big issues are in Kenya. I am currently finishing reading the book Lost Lion of Empire by Edward Paice. The book tells the improbable story of one of the British pioneers of Kenya, Ewart Grogan. While his story is fascinating, the biggest thing that struck me is how the problems of the Colonial period are still the biggest problems in Kenya today:

• ineffective, if not incompetent governance
• corruption at all levels
• ongoing fighting over the unequal distribution of land and resources
• the politics of ethnic division
• lack of proper policing and security

All of the above problems only served to concentrate even more power in the hands of the elites during the Colonial period. A fact that Grogan took advantage of. Today, it is still the wealthy and political classes that take advantage of those factors.

Today, when I look at all the candidates, all I see are huge (largely meaningless) manifestos replete with images of high-speed trains and skyscrapers. With the word JOBS written all over the country in BOLD print, you have to be sure that somewhere on election day there will be some poor soul that gets to the ballot and asks, “Where is JOBS? I don’t see his name here on the ballot.” And you know what, that simple person will actually be right. The programs on offer only serve to reinforce those key problems that have plagued Kenya.

That’s the negative. What I see (hey, we Americans are optimists) is that there is a huge opening for someone who can offer real-world solutions… not pie in the sky.

What am I talking about? It’s quite simple… begin with things that are doable. I think there is a huge opening for a candidate who can forcefully layout a clear plan to do some easy things that would make a huge difference. As a modest proposal, just let me present two.

1. Clean-up Kenya’s roads. Eliminate potholes and insure that proper infrastructure is in-place for Kenya’s transportation needs. The economic (and even job) knock-on effects will be profound and long-lasting. The President that eliminates Kenya’s potholes and traffic jams will become a hero!

2. Fix the police and security. It’s not rocket science. Hire the right people and the right amount for the size of the population. This also includes being active, if not proactive when a crisis occurs like the Tana Delta. Where has Kibaki and the military been on this issue? AWOL mostly. Severe threats to law and order have to be met with police and military force in a decisive manner. For example, why hasn’t there been a declaration and enforcement of martial law in the Tana region? Security threats to the state should not be swept under the table. While the Tana conflict IS about resources, it is also about a rise of religious extremism and separatism in Kenya’s coastal communities. Facts like those cannot be ignored and those people posing direct threats to the state need to face the consequences of their actions.

Fixing just those two things will bring a big boost to Kenya’s economy and whoever pursues such a policy would easily win a second term.

Why am I sure it will never happen? The people who benefit are the people of the country, not the elites… there you go.

Originally posted at www.rationalista.com.

JCMach1 is a long-time blogger, on-line activist, and eccentric originally from Florida, but currently living and working in Kenya.

by Angry Jew

I was relaxing this evening (I can’t be angry all the time) and watching the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I can’t watch “real” news anymore because it makes me yell at the TV. Then I was startled by a really odd quote from Senator John McCain. It mentioned that Chuck Hagel isn’t liked by fellow Republicans and that is why they’ve pulled out the stops to thwart his nomination for Secretary of Defense. You see, Hagel attacked George W. Bush and the way the Iraq war was handled. The GOP doesn’t like that one bit. McCain actually admitted that was the reason Senate Republicans were holding up the Hagel nomination. Sorry? What? Chuck Hagel should have called a discrimination lawyer! McCain just admitted they tried to stop someone from getting a job because they didn’t like his political ideology. You can’t do that in the private sector, but it’s okay in the United States Senate? Bloody Christ, stab me with a spork!

We’re not talking about a job at a radio station owned by Clear Channel or working at Chik-Fil-A. This is the fucking Secretary of Defense! It would be one thing if Hagel’s only claim to fame was that he ran company that made cars or TV’s or something (like Robert McNamara or Donald Rumsfeld) but Hagel is an actual military man. Hagel was an enlisted man. Hagel fought in the fucking jungle. Hagel knows what it’s like to fight in close quarters. Hagel will be able to put himself in the shoes of our men and women on the front lines but Senator McCain and his lackeys (I’m looking at you Lindsey Graham) have a vendetta to play out. Fuck national security, fuck what’s best for the military, and lastly, fuck what’s best for our country. The Republican’s pound of flesh must be extracted. Good job, guys. As your favorite president would say (or at least have a banner say it), mission accomplished.

Okay, fast forward; McCain sanctioned the nomination, the GOP filibuster has been broken, and Chuck Hagel has now been confirmed. So what was this whole thing about? It’s pretty clear to me. McCain and the others just wanted revenge against a man who broke ranks with their party and called bullshit for what it was during the Bush Administration. Or for all we know Chuck Hagel made fun of McCain for being in the Navy. Who knows? (And please spare me the reminder that the Marine Corps is a department of the Navy. I know. It’s the men’s department of the Navy.) The Republicans like to talk about running government like a business. If this had gone down in a corporation, Chuck Hagel would have complained to the HR Department, McCain and his fellow harassers would have been fired and Hagel would have been given a healthy settlement. However, since this happened in the United States Senate, there were no repercussions for the offending Senators, and clearly they don’t think the position of Secretary of Defense deserves to be taken seriously.

Angry Jew served 15 years in the United States Marine Corps as an infantry rifleman and is currently living in Southern California.

by Jack Straw

The stars of the GOP turned out in force at the 1st Annual McCarthy Awards Ceremony. Republicans from across the nation came together at the Bethesda, Maryland Holiday Inn to commemorate their worst moments of 2012. The awards banquet is the brainchild of House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy. “I really felt that after the 2012 election, our party needed a reason to get together and celebrate all of stupid things we’ve said or done over the last year.” While the McCarthy Awards bear the congressman’s name he is quick to explain that it is not because of him. “Oh no, that’s just a nice coincidence. The McCarthy’s are named after one of our party’s most admired senators, Joseph McCarthy. We thought about calling them the Reagan’s but Senator Ted Cruz insisted on using McCarthy. Ted is a big fan of the late senator.”

Mitt Romney had the most McCarthy nominations, including Worst Campaign, Worst Candidate, and Worst Campaign Slogan for The 47%. While the former presidential candidate did take home the lion’s share of awards, he lost to Sara Palin for Worst Former Elected Official. “This is a very nice,” Romney said via a prerecorded message. “I could have my own golden elephant trophies made out of real gold, but this is very quaint. I believe I will put this up in the barn so Ann’s horses can enjoy looking at it.” Later, after picking up the Worst Use of a Political Convention award, a tape of Romney said, “I don’t know what to say. I’m at a loss for words, mostly because I don’t really get out anymore. I mean, why would I? I’m really stupidly rich so I don’t have to go out in public. I don’t really like being around people that I can’t fire.”

Speaker John Boehner took home Worst Legislative Bluff for Fiscal Cliff. “I’m very gratified to receive this dubious honor,” Boehner said. “I know this will sound strange, but I really have to thank President Obama. My incompetence as Speaker would not be as recognizable without him. Imagine if I had been Speaker when George W. was president. You would have never noticed how bad I am at my job! You would have been looking at Bush, wondering how that brain manages to walk and breathe at the same time.” Boehner hopes that Fiscal Cliff is just the first non-success in a franchise of failure. “I hope everyone will enjoy, Sequester, our sequel to Fiscal Cliff. It’s coming out this weekend.”

The biggest surprise came when Donald Trump beat out Ted Nugent to become the inaugural recipient of the McCarthy Douche Bag of the Year Award. While accepting his prize, Trump said, “I feel very good about this. I deserve it, and frankly I don’t see why I couldn’t take home this trophy for the next twenty years.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry earned the honor of Worst Performance in a Debate for Remember Three Things. Gripping his award like a signed copy of “U.S. Presidents for Dummies”, Perry said, “This is very special for me. I really thought I’d be your next president, but since that drowned like a heifer in a drain ditch, this is a great second place bronze medal. I’d like to thank three people; my lord and savior Jesus Christ and… wait… does lord and savior count as two people? That’s two, right? So I only got one more? Right? The third person I want to thank is… give me a minute. Can I thank the Holy Ghost? Is that just a Catholic thing? Is Joe Biden really gonna be the new pope?

Other winners included: Clint Eastwood for Worst Use of an Inanimate Object in Empty Chair, Chris Christie for Worst Republican Ever in Do the Right Thing: The Hurricane Sandy Story, Marco Rubio for Worst New Republican Savior in Waterboy, and Mitt Romney again for Worst Attempt to Win Female Voters in Binders Full of Women.

The celebration culminated with the presentation of the Worst Failure on Live Television Award. The golden elephant went to Karl Rove for Romney Can Still Win Ohio. In his acceptance speech, Rove said, “I’m really blown away by this award. On election night, when I said that Romney could still win in Ohio, I meant it. However, I was drunk and Ann Coulter kept sexting me, which was really distracting. But it looks like it all worked out for the best. Here’s to 2016 and a Ryan/Rubio victory! Ohio is a lock! Hang on, Ann Coulter is calling.”

Jack Straw is a writer living in Wichita, Kansas.

GodlessCommie’s  Jade Jones and Jack Straw recently sat down with Republican Congressman and former Vice-Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan for an exclusive interview.

GodlessCommie: Thank you, Congressman Ryan, for spending a few minutes with us.

Paul Ryan: No prob. I’m between sets at the gym. Back and shoulders this morning. Plyometrics and Ab Ripper this afternoon. It’s good to give the muscles a rest between sets.

GC: Plyometrics?

PR: Jump training. It’s part of P90X, you know… the ultimate workout routine. Shout-out to my bro, Tony Horton, the creator of P90X! Love you, Tony! You wanna know what’s really cool? I’m on this new high-protein diet where you chase down a cow and eat the whole damn thing while it’s still alive. I mean, come on, how awesome is that? It’s called the Jackal Diet. You get your cardio and your protein at the same time! It’s like cutting Medicare and education in one vote!

GC: That is very exciting. We know you are busy, if we could talk about Marco Rubio’s rebuttal to the State of the Union speech? Rubio’s performance was widely considered disastrous for the GOP. What do you think went wrong?

PR: We have a communications problem. Every time we go mano y mano with Obama, we wind up looking like a retarded goat humping an iPad. Words are failing us. We’ve got to get outside the box. Everyone else is complaining about Marco taking a drink of water. I think that was the best part of his presentation. It showed some humanity. He was thirsty. That’s honest. That’s real. Undereducated voters love that stuff. I wish he had shot it at an Applebee’s and just sat there silently eating cheese sticks. Michele Bachmann told me that ninety percent of all communication is, as she calls it, the reverse of saying something.

GC: The reverse of saying something?

PR: Non-verbal communication, my peeps. We Republicans are moving beyond the spoken word. We are considering non-verbal solutions to bring in the younger, edgier demographic. Like gays or ethnics.

GC: What kind of non-verbal solutions?

PR: Painting, music, slices of life… some interpretive dance. For example, over the birth of Jesus holiday season, my wife and I saw The Nutcracker. It’s like two hours of people just dancing. They never said one word, but it conveyed a very specific message: Jesus is God, women belong in the kitchen and pregnant, and never, ever trust a rat with a sword.

GC: Will you be hiring professional choreographers or dancers?

PR: No. We don’t need to get Hollywood involved. That always backfires on us. Remember Clint Eastwood? I mean come on, if you can’t count on Dirty Harry to make you look good then you have to look for answers from within. Besides, we’ve got some pretty good dancers on our team.

GC: Like who?

PR: Well, for starters, everyone knows Lindsey Graham is pretty light in his loafers because… well, it’s just what I’ve heard. I’m certain that all of my female colleagues can dance too.

GC: Why?

PR: Because they’re women, duh. But interpretive dance isn’t our only idea. We are also thinking about setting up a web-cam in the House gym. Think about it; Obama has a press conference about getting tough on guns and then Fox News cuts to me pumping iron. I don’t say a word. I just stare into the camera with grim determination and sweat dripping down my face. Talk is cheap. Bench pressing 250 lbs is action. You don’t get guns like these from talking. Here, feel them.

GC: How do you know that people will accurately understand what you’re trying to convey? Art is open to interpretation. Don’t you want to be specific?

PR: First of all, I’d like to avoid using the “A” word.

GC: “A” word?

PR: Yeah, “art.” Some of the guys get a little twitchy when you bring up the arts. When Jeff Sessions hears the word “art” he starts thinking about gays, Robert Mapplethorpe and crucifixes in bottles of pee. I don’t think like that. I get art. Allen West and I saw Django Unchained together, so I get art.

GC: What does that have to do with the state of the Republican Party?

PR: Because it shows we are a big tent encompassing all types and once we give up trying to explain ourselves with language, the American people will understand that we are right. Just wait until you see our first non-verbal press release. Rand Paul has been rehearsing his retelling of Ayn Rand’s, “The Fountainhead” all week. It’s really great and we hope it will attract some homosexuals to the GOP.

GC: Why is that?

PR: Because Senator Paul does the piece in a spandex bodysuit. Gays love bodysuits. Rand calls it Fountaindance! There are bits of Flamenco and Polka in it, but mostly it’s a bunch of flopping around on the floor and groaning, which is a lot like our caucus retreats in Maryland.

GC: Is there anything else we can expect soon?

PR: A lot! Rand Paul’s hipster gyrations are just the beginning. Eric Cantor and I have put together a punk band. But here’s the thing; no lyrics. You know why?

GC: Because lyrics are a form of verbal communication?

PR: That’s right! We’re only doing instrumental songs. We haven’t picked a band name yet. Cantor likes The Whiny Bastards. I’m thinking The Arrogant Pricks.

GC: The Butthole Surfers is already taken.

PR: Huh?

GC: Never mind. You were saying?

PR: Besides our band, Mitch McConnell is working up a Blue Man Group style exploration of “50 Shades of Grey.” That man does an acrobatic leap with a Wagner Power Painter that’s breathtaking. It’s a freaking awesome display and I know dance. I told you I saw The Nutcracker, right?

GC: What does “50 Shades of Grey” have to do with public policy?

PR: Sex sells and this thing is sexy as crap.  Speaker Boehner can’t make it three minutes into McConnell’s dance before he has to go outside for a smoke and a sob. I’m like, hey, Tito, need a tissue? Get it? From that Eddie Murphy concert in the ’80′s? Ya know, he’s talking like Michael Jackson and stuff?

GC: Is there anything else you would like to add?

PR: The GOP is back and we’re cooler than ever. The Republican Party is like Ishtar meets Birth of A Nation.  We’ve got rock music, we’ve got dancing, we’ve got one or two black people. Did I mention that Senators Thad Cochran and Saxby Chambliss are sewing a Bigotry Quilt?

GC: To illustrate the troubling legacy of bigotry in America?

PR: No. They have a different take.

GC: Thank you for your time, Congressman Ryan.

PR: It was my pleasure. Say, what’s the name of your website again? Something about God?

GC: Umm…

Editor’s Note: This is a joke. This is satire. This is bullshit. Paul Ryan has never been interviewed by anyone at GodlessCommie.com. However, we are open to the idea. Come on, Paul, give us a shot. What’s the worst that could happen?

by Matthew Underwood

One day, I was mousing through the net and in a flash of boredom I wandered to the CNN comment boards thinking I might catch some some good LOL. Then one comment caught my eye; one that baited me into a swift crushing blow. It’s times like these that I’m the Human Torch. “FLAME ON.”

The story in question was titled “Did Earth get zapped in the eighth century?” Horrible headline, but the author posted recent findings about a cosmic collision that may have resulted in a ‘short-duration gamma-ray burst’ that bathed Earth’s surface with radiation back in the 8th century. The finding could help explain why researchers find high levels of carbon-14 and beryllium-10 in trees that were cut down during that time. Not exactly front page headliner stuff, but it’s interesting to me.

Most comments that followed were the usual trollish nonsense, but one comment in particular put the flame in my eye. First, let me explain that I loathe nitwits out there who cite “evidence” that carbon 14 tests are so inadequate that the age estimation of dinosaurs (for instance) might be 70 million years or only 6,000 years – who knows <shrug>. This rationale has deeper roots that branch out from a Christian heresy that young Earth Creationism is absolute (e.g., you are not a Christian unless you believe this bullshit wholeheartedly). To the Christian who might stumble on this post – you read correctly. Young Earth Creationism is not biblical, its teaching is false, therefore it is heresy.

Back to the poster:

hubrisdenied: this right here is why i ALWAYS HATED CARBON DATING……its such a huge assumption to say we know for sure what carbon 14 levels were 50 years ago…..let alone millions…

Little did Mr Hubris realize that his hubris jerked me into the conversation.

superbole: What in the friggin world does this event have to do with the decay rate of carbon? Are you a complete moron or are you doing this to get attention?

Actually, what I wanted to say was that unlike YOUR GOD, atoms and the speed of light do not lie. If you want to believe that YOUR deity has TOLD you that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, fine. Don’t use your faith to invalidate a physical mechanical fact. In other words, get the hell out of my face with your stupid comment! But I simplified.

superbole: NOTE – carbon-14 dating is only accurate up to within 50,000 years (or so), so IF there were multiple radiation events, then we’d see a distortion in the 14C baseline – which, by the way, we do; that’s why the disclaimer. BUT… but… the friggin dinosaurs in your museum are still between 60 to 200 million years old. OKAY??

To whit, a passersby added this gem:

are122: There are many dinosaurs in D.C. much younger than that.

Yah. I admit it. I was ready to rip are122‘s head off when a cooler head popped up between my shoulders and said… “yo dude, chill.”

superbole: lol… i was like, “wft? where?” then… i had to laugh. “oh… THOSE dinosaurs

No question about it… this is idiocy at its finest. But dammit… don’t mess with my Carbon 14!

Matthew Underwood presents a superlative and hyperbolic mashup – adding his teaspoon to the undulating ocean of steaming bullshit.
Originally posted at www.superbole.org.