GodlessCommie’s Jade Jones and Jack Straw recently sat down with Republican Congressman and former Vice-Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan for an exclusive interview.
GodlessCommie: Thank you, Congressman Ryan, for spending a few minutes with us.
Paul Ryan: No prob. I’m between sets at the gym. Back and shoulders this morning. Plyometrics and Ab Ripper this afternoon. It’s good to give the muscles a rest between sets.
PR: Jump training. It’s part of P90X, you know… the ultimate workout routine. Shout-out to my bro, Tony Horton, the creator of P90X! Love you, Tony! You wanna know what’s really cool? I’m on this new high-protein diet where you chase down a cow and eat the whole damn thing while it’s still alive. I mean, come on, how awesome is that? It’s called the Jackal Diet. You get your cardio and your protein at the same time! It’s like cutting Medicare and education in one vote!
GC: That is very exciting. We know you are busy, if we could talk about Marco Rubio’s rebuttal to the State of the Union speech? Rubio’s performance was widely considered disastrous for the GOP. What do you think went wrong?
PR: We have a communications problem. Every time we go mano y mano with Obama, we wind up looking like a retarded goat humping an iPad. Words are failing us. We’ve got to get outside the box. Everyone else is complaining about Marco taking a drink of water. I think that was the best part of his presentation. It showed some humanity. He was thirsty. That’s honest. That’s real. Undereducated voters love that stuff. I wish he had shot it at an Applebee’s and just sat there silently eating cheese sticks. Michele Bachmann told me that ninety percent of all communication is, as she calls it, the reverse of saying something.
GC: The reverse of saying something?
PR: Non-verbal communication, my peeps. We Republicans are moving beyond the spoken word. We are considering non-verbal solutions to bring in the younger, edgier demographic. Like gays or ethnics.
GC: What kind of non-verbal solutions?
PR: Painting, music, slices of life… some interpretive dance. For example, over the birth of Jesus holiday season, my wife and I saw The Nutcracker. It’s like two hours of people just dancing. They never said one word, but it conveyed a very specific message: Jesus is God, women belong in the kitchen and pregnant, and never, ever trust a rat with a sword.
GC: Will you be hiring professional choreographers or dancers?
PR: No. We don’t need to get Hollywood involved. That always backfires on us. Remember Clint Eastwood? I mean come on, if you can’t count on Dirty Harry to make you look good then you have to look for answers from within. Besides, we’ve got some pretty good dancers on our team.
GC: Like who?
PR: Well, for starters, everyone knows Lindsey Graham is pretty light in his loafers because… well, it’s just what I’ve heard. I’m certain that all of my female colleagues can dance too.
PR: Because they’re women, duh. But interpretive dance isn’t our only idea. We are also thinking about setting up a web-cam in the House gym. Think about it; Obama has a press conference about getting tough on guns and then Fox News cuts to me pumping iron. I don’t say a word. I just stare into the camera with grim determination and sweat dripping down my face. Talk is cheap. Bench pressing 250 lbs is action. You don’t get guns like these from talking. Here, feel them.
GC: How do you know that people will accurately understand what you’re trying to convey? Art is open to interpretation. Don’t you want to be specific?
PR: First of all, I’d like to avoid using the “A” word.
GC: “A” word?
PR: Yeah, “art.” Some of the guys get a little twitchy when you bring up the arts. When Jeff Sessions hears the word “art” he starts thinking about gays, Robert Mapplethorpe and crucifixes in bottles of pee. I don’t think like that. I get art. Allen West and I saw Django Unchained together, so I get art.
GC: What does that have to do with the state of the Republican Party?
PR: Because it shows we are a big tent encompassing all types and once we give up trying to explain ourselves with language, the American people will understand that we are right. Just wait until you see our first non-verbal press release. Rand Paul has been rehearsing his retelling of Ayn Rand’s, “The Fountainhead” all week. It’s really great and we hope it will attract some homosexuals to the GOP.
GC: Why is that?
PR: Because Senator Paul does the piece in a spandex bodysuit. Gays love bodysuits. Rand calls it Fountaindance! There are bits of Flamenco and Polka in it, but mostly it’s a bunch of flopping around on the floor and groaning, which is a lot like our caucus retreats in Maryland.
GC: Is there anything else we can expect soon?
PR: A lot! Rand Paul’s hipster gyrations are just the beginning. Eric Cantor and I have put together a punk band. But here’s the thing; no lyrics. You know why?
GC: Because lyrics are a form of verbal communication?
PR: That’s right! We’re only doing instrumental songs. We haven’t picked a band name yet. Cantor likes The Whiny Bastards. I’m thinking The Arrogant Pricks.
GC: The Butthole Surfers is already taken.
GC: Never mind. You were saying?
PR: Besides our band, Mitch McConnell is working up a Blue Man Group style exploration of “50 Shades of Grey.” That man does an acrobatic leap with a Wagner Power Painter that’s breathtaking. It’s a freaking awesome display and I know dance. I told you I saw The Nutcracker, right?
GC: What does “50 Shades of Grey” have to do with public policy?
PR: Sex sells and this thing is sexy as crap. Speaker Boehner can’t make it three minutes into McConnell’s dance before he has to go outside for a smoke and a sob. I’m like, hey, Tito, need a tissue? Get it? From that Eddie Murphy concert in the ’80′s? Ya know, he’s talking like Michael Jackson and stuff?
GC: Is there anything else you would like to add?
PR: The GOP is back and we’re cooler than ever. The Republican Party is like Ishtar meets Birth of A Nation. We’ve got rock music, we’ve got dancing, we’ve got one or two black people. Did I mention that Senators Thad Cochran and Saxby Chambliss are sewing a Bigotry Quilt?
GC: To illustrate the troubling legacy of bigotry in America?
PR: No. They have a different take.
GC: Thank you for your time, Congressman Ryan.
PR: It was my pleasure. Say, what’s the name of your website again? Something about God?