by Jack Straw
The stars of the GOP turned out in force at the 1st Annual McCarthy Awards Ceremony. Republicans from across the nation came together at the Bethesda, Maryland Holiday Inn to commemorate their worst moments of 2012. The awards banquet is the brainchild of House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy. “I really felt that after the 2012 election, our party needed a reason to get together and celebrate all of stupid things we’ve said or done over the last year.” While the McCarthy Awards bear the congressman’s name he is quick to explain that it is not because of him. “Oh no, that’s just a nice coincidence. The McCarthy’s are named after one of our party’s most admired senators, Joseph McCarthy. We thought about calling them the Reagan’s but Senator Ted Cruz insisted on using McCarthy. Ted is a big fan of the late senator.”
Mitt Romney had the most McCarthy nominations, including Worst Campaign, Worst Candidate, and Worst Campaign Slogan for The 47%. While the former presidential candidate did take home the lion’s share of awards, he lost to Sara Palin for Worst Former Elected Official. “This is a very nice,” Romney said via a prerecorded message. “I could have my own golden elephant trophies made out of real gold, but this is very quaint. I believe I will put this up in the barn so Ann’s horses can enjoy looking at it.” Later, after picking up the Worst Use of a Political Convention award, a tape of Romney said, “I don’t know what to say. I’m at a loss for words, mostly because I don’t really get out anymore. I mean, why would I? I’m really stupidly rich so I don’t have to go out in public. I don’t really like being around people that I can’t fire.”
Speaker John Boehner took home Worst Legislative Bluff for Fiscal Cliff. “I’m very gratified to receive this dubious honor,” Boehner said. “I know this will sound strange, but I really have to thank President Obama. My incompetence as Speaker would not be as recognizable without him. Imagine if I had been Speaker when George W. was president. You would have never noticed how bad I am at my job! You would have been looking at Bush, wondering how that brain manages to walk and breathe at the same time.” Boehner hopes that Fiscal Cliff is just the first non-success in a franchise of failure. “I hope everyone will enjoy, Sequester, our sequel to Fiscal Cliff. It’s coming out this weekend.”
The biggest surprise came when Donald Trump beat out Ted Nugent to become the inaugural recipient of the McCarthy Douche Bag of the Year Award. While accepting his prize, Trump said, “I feel very good about this. I deserve it, and frankly I don’t see why I couldn’t take home this trophy for the next twenty years.”
Texas Governor Rick Perry earned the honor of Worst Performance in a Debate for Remember Three Things. Gripping his award like a signed copy of “U.S. Presidents for Dummies”, Perry said, “This is very special for me. I really thought I’d be your next president, but since that drowned like a heifer in a drain ditch, this is a great second place bronze medal. I’d like to thank three people; my lord and savior Jesus Christ and… wait… does lord and savior count as two people? That’s two, right? So I only got one more? Right? The third person I want to thank is… give me a minute. Can I thank the Holy Ghost? Is that just a Catholic thing? Is Joe Biden really gonna be the new pope?
Other winners included: Clint Eastwood for Worst Use of an Inanimate Object in Empty Chair, Chris Christie for Worst Republican Ever in Do the Right Thing: The Hurricane Sandy Story, Marco Rubio for Worst New Republican Savior in Waterboy, and Mitt Romney again for Worst Attempt to Win Female Voters in Binders Full of Women.
The celebration culminated with the presentation of the Worst Failure on Live Television Award. The golden elephant went to Karl Rove for Romney Can Still Win Ohio. In his acceptance speech, Rove said, “I’m really blown away by this award. On election night, when I said that Romney could still win in Ohio, I meant it. However, I was drunk and Ann Coulter kept sexting me, which was really distracting. But it looks like it all worked out for the best. Here’s to 2016 and a Ryan/Rubio victory! Ohio is a lock! Hang on, Ann Coulter is calling.”
Jack Straw is a writer living in Wichita, Kansas.